Balloons
by krakelia
Summary: Dean calls Castiel down to seemingly join in a hunt, but has instead planned a big surprise in his honor. Cas does not know and gets very annoyed when he can't find anyone. Warning: Destiel slash. Hurt feelings and hints of explicit content.


A/N: This was a birthday gift for one of my most beloved friends. Without her, it would never have happened. I hope you will forgive me for a tad Cas!ooc. His emotional register here, is rather large. The setting is canon up until s7e2. After that, I go completely AU and disregard everything in the show. Thank you for your patience.

**Balloons**

Castiel considered Dean's prayer one more time. «Get your feathery ass down here to the front yard and be by the Impala at 6pm. We need your angel mojo. And don't be late.» He had been sorely tempted to ignore it, pretend he hadn't heard him or claim he'd been too busy. Were they back to the days where was called upon only when he was needed for some menial hunt? Cas was annoyed and grunted to himself. 'Don't be late.' As if he was ever late when _Dean Winchester_ called. He thought about showing up 5 minutes after just to prove a point. But when the time came, he couldn't bring himself to do it, and appeared where he was told at the stroke of six. To himself though, he had decided he was going to be difficult and in a bad mood the whole time. _And _he was going to leave without a word after he had done his part.

But when he arrived at Bobby's new place and couldn't find a trace of anyone, the irritation increased. He threw his hands up and rolled his eyes. That was the hunter in a nutshell. He had expected to see him bustling around, hurrying Sam, anxious to hit the road. So his own plans of showing up behind him, invading his personal space and say _'Dean'_ in an aggravated tone fell apart. This was his favourite way of appearing since it allowed him time to revel in Dean's scent and facial features, and as a bonus annoy him. So to be denied this tiny bout of happiness was not helping in improving his mood.

Cas decided to take a look around. In his annoyance he had failed to notice anything other than the lack of humans. But he now saw the something that was tied to the side mirror of the Impala. It could only be described as air compressed into an expandable rubber container. Humans however, called them balloons. The only thing Cas understood about the balloon tradition were the colours. This one was obviously designed to attract his attention because it was a glaring red. He frowned and stretched out his hand to grab it. Attached to the string was a neatly folded note with his name on it. Cas gave it a quizzical look. He had never really had any personal interactions with the balloon phenomenon before, and that made the little flurry he felt in his chest quite unexpected. The fact that it was Dean's handwriting only amplified the jittery feeling.

Somewhat bewildered Cas looked around again for any sign of the Winchesters and frowned. The first thought that hit him was that Sam and Dean and were pulling one of their pranks on him. Even though he did not always understand the entertainment value of gluing the others hand to a beer bottle, he knew they somehow did. It was especially hard to grasp how doing it over and over again could be amusing. However, it was not so strange that they might finally have decided to make _him_ the target of their "fun"_. _But curiosity got the better of him and he opened the note. «Follow the balloons and take them with you. And Cas, no zapping!»

Suspicion crept up on him. This bore similarities to some of Gabriel's schemes... only it lacked that certain magic touch he would have added to it. Cas was both intrigued and annoyed. If they were going on a hunt they didn't have time for jokes. But the feeling of being included in something felt so good that it made him scan for the next balloon anyway.

It was hanging on the front door of the house. In the light from the afternoon sun it glowed blue. As blue as his own eyes were in this form, he thought as he walked over to it. Colours were important to humans. They appeared everywhere in their life. On their clothes, in their houses, on their cars and they described everything by referring to them. They were designed to attract, repel or signal.

Cas appreciated colours. In heaven the only colour was bright light. That was one of the reasons why he liked to visit the personal heavens of humans. They based their surroundings on their earthly experience. And the earth was rich with colour everywhere and in everything. He understood why people wanted to keep that when they got to choose their reality. There was no question about which colour was his personal favourite. It was the richest colour, the colour of life, the colour that was everywhere on earth. And it was not blue.

Cas paused before he pried the second balloon off the handle. Attached to it was another note. Was it too much to hope for that there would be more notes from Dean as he progressed? The thought pleased him, but he scoffed at himself immediately. There it was again. That thing inside him that latched onto anything that had to do with Dean. And especially the things that concerned _him_ and Dean. He lowered his head and closed his eyes for a second. Thoughts like this would get him nowhere. Squashing them was the right thing to do.

Unlike the first note this one was crumpled with the string tied tightly around it. Cas took it off with nimble fingers. Even though he was very curious about what Dean had written, he smoothed it out nicely before he let himself read. He felt like an idiot for wanting to preserve such a silly little thing. Especially when the only thing written on it was «Kitchen». Feeling disappointed, he just wanted to crumple up the note again. But he didn't, because honestly what had he been expecting? Something cheerful and jokingly that he probably wouldn't understand anyway? Still feeling cheated, he walked towards his next destination.

What was the point with this balloon gathering? He felt small and foolish for carrying these elastic things around in his hand. As far as he knew, they were for children. And if this was yet another one of Dean's ploys to reduce him to a child, he would let him have it with both with words, eyes and fists when he saw him. He would have thought that he'd proven himself to the hunter by now. Maybe he didn't get all the sarcasm Dean and Sam passed between each other, but he knew an insult when he heard it. And being called a 'child' was definitely an insult he would not stand for.

The anger at being patronized yet again was threatening to overpower him. Maybe he should just leave. Tie the balloons to the kitchen chair and leave a rude note saying he got an emergency call and leave _them_ hanging for a change. But he thought better of it. That would prove their point about him being childish. His mood was grim, and he could feel his jaw setting and eyes tighten. The laugh was going to be on them when he finally caught hold of them. In the middle of his reverie he spotted the next balloon. It was as yellow as the sun and hanging from one of the top cupboards. He felt like smiting it.

So now he was obviously meant to make a fool of himself by climbing up there to get it. The temptation to bring out his wings and fly up there was strong. But if those people were around somewhere spying on him, he wouldn't give them the privilege of seeing his wings. They would destroy the kitchen in any case.

Very well, Cas decided. He was going to play by the rules. Dean said no angel mojo and that was how it was going to be, but he was not going to hide his agitation. He climbed up and without care tore down the string and ripped the note open. «Upstairs hallway» _Son of a bitch_, he muttered angrily to himself and realized that he was once again using phrases he'd learned from Dean.

Castiel felt as if he was being mocked when he was climbing up and down these benches. The only thing that made him grin, although without mirth, was the thought that Dean would have had to climb up there too. He imagined him slipping and falling. But that didn't help either because he knew he would have been there on the spot to heal his injury. Cas gnashed his teeth and proceeded upstairs.

He looked at the balloons. So _was_ there a point to this? He sincerely hoped so. And though unwilling to admit it, deep down he hoped it was Dean's doing because that would at least mean that he was giving him some form of attention. But it really couldn't be his idea. Dean wouldn't care about the little details. The things that Cas appreciated. He lived for the little things, the things Dean never saw. Like the choice of colours on the childish artefacts he was holding.

He had never told anyone about his love for colours. That secret that Cas could paint with his mind and his eyes was entirely his own. And recently his favourite subject to paint was Dean Winchester and his every nuance, detail and movement. If his mind could project the image he had of him onto a canvas it would burn with the power of the sun. There was no helping it. Every gesture from Dean was another day worth having a beating heart for.

Probability dictated that the choice of colour had no meaning at all. Dean wasn't a subtle being he reminded himself. He could never see the little hints that lay in everything Cas did. Their minds were just too different. Or maybe what Cas did just wasn't enough to make him understand. Like dying for him, coming back for him and dying for him again. But Dean never saw any of that. He saw him as a means to an end, nothing more. In all likelihood, this was Sam's doing and Dean had went along for the laugh. But even though his thoughts kept telling him to disregard everything, the fact remained; Dean had at last made an effort. If it was for good or bad was yet to be seen.

The next balloon actually offered a pleasure in terms of little things. It was hanging on the door of Dean's bedroom. Cas let his fingers touch the rubber. _Green;_ his absolute favourite colour. It reminded him of the eyes he so loved to gaze into. The eyes of the one he could never quite understand. Even though he could look right into the marrow of his bones, he could never fathom what went on behind those eyes. Castiel sighed as he took the fourth piece of paper.

To his surprise there were two sentences on the note. The first one written as neatly as Dean could manage, instructing him to go to the living room. The second made him pause and frown. It looked to have been scribbled down in a hurry. 'But first go into my bedroom'. Immediately that jittery feeling came back. He hesitated, breathed deeply and opened the door. But he didn't see a balloon there. That made him suspicious. This could be where they had decided to play their prank on him just to catch him off guard. He walked in cautiously, using all his senses to check for irregularities.

But there were none. There was just the familiar sight of Dean's clothes lying on the floor or draped over a chair. By the door was his hunting bag ready to grab in haste if necessary. Cas walked over to the unmade bed. Everything about the room carried Dean's smell. It made him want to draw in his breath to really feel it, and he had to stop himself from picking up the pillow on the bed. That was no way to behave he chided himself. He knew what he'd find under it anyway. Probably some form of gun and knife. Dean never slept without them. If he knew him right, he'd probably have weapons under his bed too. If only he could be here all the time to protect him, Cas mused. Then he wouldn't have to be afraid while he slept. But Dean would never allow it.

There were no personal belongings in this room. None of the usual things people had in their houses. Things didn't matter to Dean the way it did to other humans. The only things that mattered to him were his car, his weapons and his family. Family. A term that does not include me anymore. It did once, without my knowing about it. I destroyed that, and now it's too late', said the miserable little voice inside Cas' head. He hated that voice. It had haunted him ever since he was brought back. Still it puzzled him why Dean had gone to such lengths to bring him back. Perhaps it was a sense of debt and duty. He had rebuilt Dean, now Dean had rebuilt him. It was the only plausible reason and Cas detested it.

He preferred to hide away thoughts like these because they hurt too much. And standing here, holding a bundle of festive looking party accessories while thinking about these bitter moments was too much. He had to get out of there before his eyes got that burning feeling that was so unnatural to him. But just as he was about to turn on his heels and flee, he spotted something on the dresser. There was another note there. Hesitating, he tied the balloons to the bedpost and walked over to it. There was no name on the front, but it looked exactly like all the others so he opened it.

"I've missed you, Cas."

Right then and there Cas learnt what it felt like to be rooted to the spot. Gravity was pulling him in, and everything around him seemed to disappear save for the note in his hands. Although impossible, his ears felt hot, his neck prickled and his heart was beating frantically. This was Dean's room and Dean's handwriting, but it seemed impossible that it was he himself who had done this. Could it be true, could it really be true, that the one man in the world Cas wanted recognition from, was saying that he missed him?

Doubts struck him despite the evidence. What could he miss him for? Surely not for hunting. That he had been missed in battle he had been told in spiteful and blaming words in front of others many a time. This seemed deeper, secretive and perhaps even mournful. _No_, Cas said to himself. Now he was just once again reading emotional motives into Dean's actions that had no basis in reality. But that didn't stop him from wanting to blow off the game and transport himself to Dean's side immediately no matter where in the universe he was hiding. If only just to look him in the eyes for some confirmation that this was real, that he actually had missed him personally.

But he couldn't. It was hard just thinking about moving his feet. The human body was so complicated. It was full of blood vessels, veins and nerves that all could stop functioning from just the simplest signal from the brain. And right now, his was reeling. He let his fingers trail over the words. How he wished they could be alive. But words weren't like colours and paintings. The shapes and shadows didn't tell a story, not the way a brush could capture every shifting mood in a human being. With words you just had to guess. To his surprise he found he had to clear his throat before he could tell himself to go and finish the original mission. He folded the note gingerly in his pocket. This was one piece of paper he would preserve until the end of time. Barely remembering the balloons, he proceeded downstairs. Cas sincerely hoped that he would find Dean Winchester at the end of this trail. He had no idea what he would say or ask about when he saw him. He just knew he had to be there or this whole thing would mean nothing.

The next balloon was hanging on the door of the living room. This one was purple and Cas was adamant that he had not seen it there before. Therefore the Winchesters had to be about. They were infuriating sometimes. Why go through all these schemes? It wasn't remotely funny. And they thought enochian humour was bad.? They should have a look at their own, he thought snidely. By now Cas was very impatient. The only thing he wanted was to see Dean. He needed it desperately. So when the next note read "Backdoor" he couldn't keep from groaning. The fact that he had to return to the starting point annoyed him greatly.

Turning to head to the kitchen, he was in too much of a hurry and his face collided with the bundle of balloons in his arms. Angrily he fought them off. 'Bloody balloons!' he thought to himself. He wanted to punch a hole in every single one of them and he glared daggers at them. But that made him stop to think about why Dean had chosen the colour purple. He wouldn't have thought it a typical colour for him. All the others, yes, he could see the reason behind those. But purple… His expression changed to puzzlement again. The one place where this colour really showed its worth was in a garden. The richest gardens always had a multitude of violet flowers, and Cas felt that a garden was never complete without them. But how could Dean possibly know that?

When he stepped into the kitchen he couldn't find any sign of a balloon. But he spotted a note hanging on the doorknob of the backdoor that he swore he had not seen there before. It simply said 'Open me'. Cas wondered about this. The phrasing of this suggested that the door saw itself as an "I". But it had no brain or soul, so it could not have a conscious self. He shook his head at the curious form and with his mind buried in the riddles of human grammar, he opened the door. Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw.

Standing in the middle of the backyard was a huge tent. This was rather unusual in itself, but what really shocked him was the homemade banner splayed over the entrance. The message was quite clear.

'Welcome home Cas!'

He was utterly dumbstruck. _Welcome home… Cas? _He didn't understand. What was he supposed to do? Walking seemed out of the question. It was quiet. Speaking seemed even more unthinkable. But he had to move forwards. The gravel crunched under his foot. If he knew how to gape, he would have done it. With an unnaturally shaky voice, he called out to Sam and Dean.

With a loud bout of cheering they burst out of the tent opening. Sam, Bobby and _Dean _came striding towards him smiling and clapping. They were all holding their own bundle of balloons exactly like the one Cas had. Now he understood even less. Hadn't the point of the balloons been to belittle him after all? Wasn't this all a joke? Then the smell of burgers came wafting to his nostrils and he saw that the inside of the tent was set up for a barbeque party. He was so busy being shocked he could only stare blankly up at Sam's happy face who had clearly been speaking to him.

"Cas, are you all right dude?" Sam said with a huge smile. How he managed to keep the happiness in his face all the time, Cas would never know. When Dean smiled, there was always something in his eyes that held back on joy and warmness. But Sam always managed to bring it out.

"I am well. I just do not understand th…" He did not get to finish the sentence.

"It's a surprise party Cas!" Sam answered. With unmasked bewilderment, Cas looked at Sam and then at Dean and Bobby who were both smiling mirthfully.

"Angels, huh. Not used to stupid human ideas." Bobby grinned, shook his head and let Sam continue with his explanation.

"Yeah, the person you are holding it for isn't supposed to know about it, and you do a whole bunch of stuff to confuse them. Like we sent you on a treasure hunt. That kinda goes with the game. But there's also other situations where people hold these things." He hesitated a little bit, and Cas turned his attention fully back to Sam. His face was more serious now.

"It's also a way to welcome back people who have been gone for too long from their friends and family." Sam's eyes were harder and he placed his hand on Cas' shoulder, pursing his lips decidedly, and nodded slightly.

Cas opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He looked around at the other two, and they had abandoned their humorous faces and adopted the same look Sam had.. When he tried to look Dean in the eye, he averted his gaze, but he nodded and said muttered a faint 'yeah' in agreement.

That made the truth dawn on him. They were welcoming him back. And they considered him family. A wish he had long since stomped out and abandoned. And now they were holding a party in his honour.

"But I do not understand…" he said feebly, "it has been many months since you brought me back. And we have been on multiple hunts together since then."

"Yes, that's exactly the point!" Sam said with intent and a renewed smile. "We've been so busy on the job, what with the leviathans that we haven't had time to celebrate or even be happy we got you back! But now that we've just won that huge battle we've bought ourselves some time! So we decided to make the best of it. It's about time we relaxed and had a bit of fun. Together. And this was a perfect opportunity."

"But the hunt…" Cas started to say but this time it was Dean who broke in.

"Cas, there was no hunt. It was just an excuse to get you here. Come on man. Indulge us a little bit."

"Yeah, come on Cas! Join us at the table? Please?" Sam said.

Cas thought about this and looked around at the three of them in turn. They were all staring at him with expectation. And they all looked sincere. He finally believed them.

"Yes, I will participate."

"YES!" Sam called out and awarded Cas with a big happy smile. The tension lowered itself considerably.

"Okay, allright, that's enough of the girl talk! Unless you knuckleheads want to eat charcoal, we gotta get busy here! Come on people, hustle. The food ain't gonna make itself!" Bobby said trying to sound stern, but Cas noticed he seemed reluctant to show his face.

"Right, Bobby" Sam said obviously amused at his words. "Come on, we better do as he says." He steered Cas with him into the tent, followed by Dean.

Cas was instructed to hang the bundles of balloons up in each of the corners. There were plastic windows in the tent, and with the afternoon sun just peering in, it really did light up and colour the inside very well. On the table were lanterns to be lit after the sun had gone. The sunsets were often beautiful here at late summer-early fall, Cas thought. There had never been time to appreciate that before now. He felt something warm and soft inside him that he rarely had touched upon before, and when he looked around at the bickering Winchester brothers and the grumbling Bobby the feeling got even stronger. They thought of this as his home. That feeling was one Cas would never forget. He'd been cast from his home in heaven too many times for it to feel like it was his own anymore. Being alone and without belonging… It was a human thing which he now understood had been affecting him too. So to feel welcome somewhere, despite everything that had happened, well it felt better than Cas could have ever dreamed.

After a bit more decorating and getting the table ready, they sat down to eat their perfectly cooked burgers while the sun was setting. The bread and fries were homemade. Dean had even helped in the preparations, much to Bobby's nervousness, since he was commonly known as a disaster in the kitchen. Now, of course Cas didn't need food, but when he tried so say as much he had been shushed and they'd loaded his plate full anyway. He had to admit, eating did have its merits. Even though he did not need it, he could still taste it, and it was nothing short of delicious. "Taste good?" he suddenly heard Dean ask. He stopped with the burger halfway to his mouth and looked over at him, but yet again he would not meet his eyes.

This always sent a small trickle of regret inside Cas, but he couldn't think about that. "Yes, I find it is most enjoyable." He said in return with a nod to Bobby, an got a half-smile back. "Well they'd better be! I've been slaving over them for hours. Now eat it up. Can't let it go to waste." Bobby said. Cas did not need asking twice. The others chuckled, but he didn't care. It was all in good nature.

As the evening wore on, the secret note Cas had in his pocket burned deeper and deeper. When he didn't think the others were watching him, he slipped his fingers into his coat just to feel that it was still there. It was utterly ridiculous because no one was going to steal it, but it made him feel better. But it also made him long even more to talk to Dean alone. He never got the chance. Cas couldn't say for certain, but he was willing to swear that Dean did everything he could to avoid being alone with him. A couple of times he thought he saw Bobby and Sam exchange dejected looks after they had tried to clear the tent together but been thwarted by Dean.

It was nice sitting in the tent with the lanterns lit after nightfall. Dean was entertaining them with stories and the debates ran hard when Sam thought he was overdoing it just a little bit. Sometimes Cas even contributed to the banter. But when Dean started telling an old story concerning a female, he accidentally looked over at Cas, stopped abruptly and veered off in a whole other direction. Why Dean would do this, he could not guess, but it didn't slip past his attention that Bobby and Sam exchanged glances again. Sam even snuck a look at him, which he pretended he did not notice and acted as if he was following Dean's new story with great interest. This was new and foreign to him. But he noticed that the tension lessened noticeably because of it. And to himself, he had to admit, he was glad he did not have to hear about Dean's conquests. It always made him feel angry and hurt, and he knew he didn't always succeed in hiding it. Never before had any being affected him this much and in so many ways. The word jealous was making its presence known more and more often.

When the fullness of the burgers had died down and the beer had been brought to the table, Dean exclaimed it was time for dessert. It came as no surprise that the choice had landed on pie and that Dean had been the driving force behind that decision.

"Dean," Cas said, "I do not care for pie."

"Yeah, yeah, I know Mr Pie-blasphemer. Don't worry, I've got something else for you. Relax. You don't have to eat my delicious cherry pie. Jeesh, angels are so hard to please" he mumbled as he went off to the kitchen.

"I tried to get him to choose something else," Sam said, "but he couldn't be persuaded. He seemed to think it belonged at barbeque party. But Dean could eat pie in the middle of hell, so I don't think his word counts for much", Sam said.

"He was not eating pie when I found him" Cas almost whispered. He did not care to think about the state he had found Dean in.

"Hey man, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It was just a figure of speech. It isn't fun down there. I know." Cas glanced back up at Sam, but he did not look angry and there was no blame in his face. He nodded quietly.

Now was the time. He had to ask. He had to know the truth.

"Sam, I greatly appreciate what you have done for me today. It must have taken a lot of effort, and talking Dean into…" he was cut short.

"Wait, wait what you mean 'talking Dean into'. He didn't need any talking into anything. It was all his idea." Cas stared blankly into Sam's eyes.

"Yeah, he just came down to breakfast some days ago, announcing that he wanted to have a party for you. Now of course me and Sam was all for it, but it took us by surprise. I tried checking him for alcohol breath because he'd been hitting it kinda hard lately, but he was clean and sober." Bobby said.

"I thought he'd gone off the deep end when he started talking about balloons. But he was rock solid on that. He's been eyeing everything like a hawk. He was driving us both crazy with his nit-picking over everything, especially the balloons. He went to three different stores to find the right packs", Sam laughed.

"And, this is the first time I've seen him touch a drop of alcohol since the day he made the big announcement", Bobby said taking a swig of his beer bottle.

Cas' mind was reeling again. This was such a shock to him he didn't know how to process it. He wanted to ask about the notes, but just then they heard Dean walk out of the kitchen door.

"But Cas, please, don't tell him we told you. He'd murder us both on the spot", Sam said with urgency.

"I doubt he'd…"

"Figure of speech, man. Just don't say anything, all right?" Sam said with urgency. Cas nodded. His thoughts were spinning so fast he couldn't speak anyway.

"Here we go, pie for the people who knows the good things in life and chocolate vanilla milkshake for the picky angel of the lord." Dean exclaimed as he set the steaming pie on the table and the shake in front of Cas. Once again he found he was stunned.

"How did you acquire the information about my preference for milkshakes?" Cas asked.

"Oh, a little birdie whispered in my ear. Don't ask, you don't want to know. Just drink it!"

"It was the right one?" Dean added with a just a hint of uncertainty.

"Yes, Dean. It is the taste which I enjoy the most. Thank you." Cas felt like his cheeks were on fire again, and it seemed Dean felt something too because he cleared his throat and began talking loudly about the importance of the slicing pie right.

Cas drank his milkshake silently. Dean really had gone to great lengths for him concerning this evening. But it was so unbelievable he hardly understood it. One way or another, he had to find out. He couldn't bear it any longer. This feeling was too overpowering, too all consuming, too gut wrenching to keep locked up inside any longer. He would have to speak, and face the consequences, even if it meant losing everything. It was just that little matter of when to do it.

But Cas was in luck. When it neared on midnight, Sam and Bobby started talking about heading to bed, mumbling something about an early morning, all the while looking conspiratorially at each other.

"What? Go to bed now? But what about the… finishing touches? We're not done yet!" Dean shouted angrily.

"You and Cas go on. You're more awake than any of us. Sam's gotta do his freaky before bed-workout routine too. You know how he starts yapping about flabs if he doesn't get his 100 push ups in," Bobby said snarkingly to Sam whom clearly wanted to throw something back, but held it in for the sake of the cause.

"Yeah, right, right," he said and shot a nasty look at Bobby who was clearly enjoying himself. "Come on. Don't let your last surprise go to waste just because old grumpy and me are tired." Sam was doing his best to persuade Dean.

"What are the 'finishing touches'?" Cas asked when the argument had been settled by matter of power staring. Dean would always lose to Sam's puppy eyes. Everyone did, and Cas wondered vaguely if he would be able to stand the test if the time came.

Dean was not happy and glared at Sam before answering. "It's a surprise," he snapped. "Get your ass into the car and I'll show you. These two douchebags can stay here and clean up." With that he marched off around the house.

Cas stared after him. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. "I should perhaps go. It is late and Dean does not appear to be in a good mood."

"NO!" both Sam and Bobby yelled at the same time.

"No, Cas, he's been really secretive in planning this and I think he is really looking forward to it. Just, give him some time to chill and he'll come around." Sam said. Cas looked at him doubtfully.

"CAS! You coming?" Dean called from somewhere in the dark.

Bobby walked over to Cas with a serious expression "Go on. Get out of here. Don't let that cranky bastard get to you." Cas pursed his lips and started off reluctantly. "And Cas," he turned back to Bobby. "It's good to have you back, son." He clapped his hand on Cas' shoulder with a smile before shoving him off.

It wasn't until they heard the engine starting and the tires rolling away on the gravel that Sam and Bobby finally sat down with long drawn sighs. Their plan finally worked, but it was a close call. They popped two more beer bottles and drank in silence for a while.

"Just _christ_, I hope those two can work things out now. For all our sakes!" Bobby grumbled and rubbed his forehead. "I can't stand that god-awful silence between them anymore. The mood on that kid after their… fights or whatever the hell it is, I can't stand it."

"I know! It's about time they figure things out. We did a long time ago."

"You got that right." Bobby said wearily. Just don't fuck this up, Dean. _Please. _He thought to himself.

The locations of Bobby's new home had been carefully scouted. The town had that perfect "you stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours" ambiance. The neighbourhood wasn't exactly the friendliest, but perfect for their needs. They had set up a new garage business, and placed it well out of eye, - and earshot so if strange cars rolled by at odd hours of the day, no one would poke their nose in it. The house was also complete with fields and forests with secluded side roads for easy access.

Dean was now making good use of these roads. They had been driving for about ten minutes in awkward silence before he pulled over at a clearing in the forest. If Cas hadn't been so determined to get to the truth about the note, he would have taken his leave by now. He wasn't feeling very happy or welcome anymore and being around a pissed off Dean was not his preferred choice for the evening.

Ordering Cas to follow him down a path and into the forest, Dean exited the car. He was obviously disappointed Cas thought. He had planned something for everyone but had been snubbed with only and washed up angel. The feeling that he wasn't good enough reared its head again. Still, Dean had not cancelled completely. And though it wasn't much of a comfort, at least there was a chance of getting to talk to him.

The path they were walking on led to a secluded riverbank. Cas looked around. It was an absolutely beautiful place. Dean must have been here to make preparations because there were benches and lanterns set up already. It was idyllic. The only sounds were the light ruffle in the trees and the gentle running of the river. And nearer the river there were some odd boxes Cas wondered greatly about.

A thought hit Cas. This must be one of Dean's hideouts, where he went when he wanted to be left alone. And tonight he had decided to share it. Cas looked over at the other. "Were you the one who set this up?" he asked quietly. Dean rolled his eyes. "Yes of course. Who'd you think? The tooth fairy?" The angry tone stabbed at Cas. He turned his face away. Dean just huffed and went to bustle around with the boxes.

"Would you like some assistance?" Cas offered despite himself. "No. Thank you. Just… sit down will ya." Dean said, his voice milder now. Cas did as he was told. There wasn't much else to do but watch Dean as he lit the lanterns. They cast a warm glow at the surroundings. Cas watched without saying a word. This must have relaxed Dean because his movements weren't as brusque and the tiny glances he sent in Cas' direction every now and then weren't challenging and fleeting anymore. Just curious and perhaps a little worried.

Watching the hunter work with something other than guns was a rare pleasure. His eyes were so eager and open. When he worked on his cars he had that little smile at the corner of his mouth. One that said he was enjoying the challenge of figuring out a problem. Technical things. That was Dean's business. When it came to personal things, his eyes were hard and unwilling. Cas feared the conversation that was coming. Dean was relaxed now, later he was risking having him pull away again. Talking to Dean was much easier when he could it in anger. They were both much more comfortable in that scene.

Still Cas couldn't help but admire Dean. He was crouched down, his green military jacket open showing the black tee and the red shirt. His black jeans tightening around thighs. The soft lantern light made his skin glow too. Cas wanted to close his eyes. It was almost unbearable to look at. Where had these feelings come from? It ached when he thought about the fact that Dean would never look at him the same way and with the same admiration, even though he dearly wanted him to. It was embarrassing. These were not suitable feelings to have for an angel.

"There! All done! You ready for this?" Dean said getting up and turning to Cas. Surprisingly enough that childish glee was back in his voice. He had obviously been looking forward to this, and he had let go of the disappointment of the others not being there. Cas had to take a breath before answering because having that man standing tall right in front of him sent tingles in places he didn't wish to think about.

"Yes, Dean. I am ready."

"Good! Because here we go!" he said with a grin, bent down, flipped his lighter open and lit a small fuse before he came bounding back to Cas. To his astonishment, Dean actually sat down right next to him. Their bodies were mere inches apart and his heart was beating fast. Cas hands were folded in his lap to keep them steady as he turned to look at Dean. For once the smile reached his eyes too. But there was no more time to think about this because at that moment the fuse went off.

They sky above the river erupted in colour. It was fireworks of the grandest display. Webs, threads, roses and balls of light in red, pink, green, blue, purple and gold were lighting up and making the water sparkle. As did Dean's eyes. He was cheering and laughing but Cas barely noticed. He could do nothing but sit and watch with his eyes wide and mouth open. Never had he expected anything like this. It was easy to see why Dean had chosen this quiet place for his show. Cas was determined to store every second of this in his mind.

Dean quieted down beside him, and just as he thought it was over, the grand finale started. With loud wheezing noises, three rockets ignited in succession. They shot up in the air, lingering for a couple of seconds before exploding with huge bangs. Each rocket set off three explosion of bursting bright light, forming huge circles in the sky which broke up and seemingly rained down upon them. It was breath-taking. Cas watched every single shard evaporate until everything went quiet and reverted back to almost pitch black. No one spoke.

"You didn't like it." It came drily from Dean. There was that hurt again. Something had to be said. He couldn't bear that tone in Dean's voice. Cas turned and looked him straight in the eyes in the dim light.

"It was the most perfect gift you could have ever given me." There was no smile on Cas' face. Just the blunt sincerity of his clear blue eyes. He hoped that would be enough to convince Dean. It was imperative that he understood. They held the gaze for a moment before Dean broke off and cleared his throat.

"Heh, good, I'm… I'm glad you like it." He nodded and hesitantly started to get up. "Well, now that's over, I guess we'd better head back…I'll just clear up this mess."

"_Dean!" _Cas grabbed Dean's arm, forcing him back down. "There is something I wish to talk to you about."

Dean went rigid and stared nervously at Cas. It was apparent that he guessed what was coming. Cas breathed out, and turned his gaze to his lap. Dean was fidgeting, but he wasn't running. Not yet anyway. Slowly, Cas put his hand in his pocket and took out the note. "I wish to know if you were truthful in what you wrote here, Dean. And I wish to know what it means." The silence was once again impenetrable. Neither of them moved an inch and was barely breathing.

"Dean?" Cas said after a while. No reply came.

"Dean?" he called a second time.

"_Fuck, _Cas! Don't ask me that. _Please_ don't ask me that!" he rose furiously and strode down to the river kicking stones as he passed them.

What had just happened? Cas didn't understand. He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw tight. How could a gesture like that hurt so much? How could words break everything into pieces in just a few seconds? It was hard to see how he would ever get used to this. Battles were so much easier than human passion. That was hunter to angel. This was soul and heart and the stakes were a lot higher than just dying and living. But the battle wasn't over, and he never backed down from a fight. Cas got up and followed Dean.

"_Dean" _Cas said as he approached him from behind and placed his arm on his shoulder.

"What?" Dean replied and swatted Cas away. But he wasn't about to give up yet even though he felt like he was going to start trembling any second.

"Dean", he started and again placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. To his surprise, this time he was not brushed off. Instead Dean turned around to face him. His eyes were burning. Cas let go.

"What do you want me to say, Cas? Huh? After all the crap that happened, do you seriously expect me to stand here and say what's on my mind? God damn it, Cas!" He kicked another stone.

Cas cast his gaze down. Those looks Dean sent him now were so resentful. "No, I suppose you would not…"

"You know…" Dean started but turned away for a second, rubbing his palm over his mouth and chin. "After you disappeared… I spent _months _searching for you. I tried everything I possibly could." Dean was speaking hastily and fervently. "I drove the others crazy. And I told myself that it was all because I owed you. You brought me back, so now it was my duty to bring you back."

There it was. The truth Cas had been waiting for but dreading: The one to confirm his suspicion. He felt his heart sink. So that was how it had been after all. He nodded and started to walk away when he suddenly felt a rough grip on his forearm. Dean's normally green eyes were in flames.

"No! You are _not_ zapping off now. I am not finished! Do you know what Cas?" he tightened his grip. "Do you know what? When I somehow, god only knows in what way, because I sure as hell don't want to remember, got you back, I realized that it wasn't because I owed you. It was because I missed you. You were family. And I never, _ever_ walk out on my family. No matter what. And I need you. Here. Not dead." He finally choked, and the anger died out but he didn't loosen his hold.

Cas was shell shocked. This was the last thing he had expected. It was almost too much to process.

"I… I did not wish to leave you, Dean." He let his eyes fall to the ground. Cas felt like he had the sadness of the world on his shoulders. Because he could hear in Dean's voice how hurt and lonely he was, and all he wanted to do was take it away. He tentatively took a step closer. Dean flinched minutely, but didn't back away. He took one more step. They could hear each other breathe now. Dean sniffed, and cleared his throat. But when he made a move to let go Cas rapidly shot his arm up and grabbed a hold to stop him. Dean stiffened a fraction, but Cas held on tighter and took another step closer. He pulled on Dean and put his other arm on him too. They were standing so close now. Closer than he had ever dreamed of being to the hunter. Their pulses were beating like crazy. Cas could feel it. His blood was boiling and when Dean brought his other arm up to hold onto Cas too, he had to take a seconds pause and close his eyes. "Dean…" he whispered.

By some force of gravity, their bodies were pulled together and then suddenly his head was resting on Dean's shoulder. A second later Dean's was resting on his, arms holding around each other and slightly trembling. It was a rush like no other. Cas couldn't control his breathing. He could feel every fibre of Dean against him, his every tremor, his whole being. He so longed to meld with this person and he never knew it until this very second. It felt so good to stand there holding around a warm body like this, and more importantly this _particular_ warm body. The heat was the most soothing he had ever felt. And it was so much better than strangled arguments in alleyways. Cas sighed with content. He had never known bliss like this. Until…

Dean made a move to bring his head from Cas' shoulder. It suddenly felt so cold and Cas was already missing the feeling. Preparing himself to let go, he wasn't expecting the next move. Dean brought them apart just so he could bring them closer still. Their foreheads were now resting against each other and Dean's eyes were closed. Cas' eyes was burning. These sensations… He'd never felt anything like it. "Cas, I…" Dean started but Cas only shook his head. He didn't want to hear it. He didn't want to hear anything. He didn't want to let go of this. Not yet. He was likely never to have it again, and if this was going to be the last time he got to be this close to the object of his attraction he was going to savour every second. He pulled Dean tighter but there was no room for it. Cas was frustrated. He wanted closer, closer. That tiny space between them, it was too much. There needed to be _no_ space between them.

In one quick movement he let go of Dean's arms, brought his hands up to his scruff and pulled. He eliminated the tiny space between them, closed his eyes, turned his head and locked his mouth to Dean's. He didn't dare open his eyes, he just held on as tight as he could to keep Dean from escaping and let his lips move against Dean's. He just needed to feel what it was like to kiss him. Just once, if never again. His face was red, his blood was pumping, his eyes were stinging, and there were electric currents instead of blood in his veins. Then he let go quick as the wind and flung his eyes open. He was stunned. What had he done! He stared at Dean while he backed away. Dean's eyes were wide open and piercing. Cas stared down at his slightly parted lips. The sense of loss was tremendous. Now that he knew what it was like to feel them against his, he couldn't believe he wasn't going to have that sensation again. How could he live without it? And now he had to explain himself. But there was no way he would be able to do that. It was time to get away.

"No." Dean's voice was so raspy and quiet. "Don't go. Don't go now." Dean was telling him to stay. Why? Cas was so confused he couldn't move. He had been expecting to get yelled at and called something terrible. But here was Dean practically begging him to stay. He dared a look into the green eyes. Even in the glow from the lanterns he could see the tiny tears forming.

"Why..?" Cas whispered with fear trickling from him.

"Because I want you to." Dean said in that same small voice. Then he closed the space between them again and brought his divine lips down on Cas' again. It shocked him to the core. But it felt so good and he wanted it so bad that he answered immediately. Their lips touched and melded together. They were both giving off small moans and sighs. Cas' thoughts were racing but they made no sense. This could only mean that… that Dean actually wanted… would actually let him… He lost himself in the feeling.

Their lips moved against each other and everything was spinning and disappearing around them. There was nothing else in the world but them and the rush of emotion between them. But it was not enough. As good as this was, it wasn't enough. Cas parted his lips and prayed to all the higher powers that Dean would too. By some blessing from mother nature, Dean matched Cas' action. He parted those full lips and let Cas tongue meet his. It had nearly reduced Cas to nothing. It was so hard not get greedy. However much he got he just had the urge to get more. He needed to taste everything. He let his mouth follow the lines of Dean's tongue. Then he nipped at his lips. Dean grunted and brought his tongue around to fetch Cas' back.

They slipped their arms around each other and let the world crash around them. They stood on the spot and tasted each other for an eternity and a second. Cas was never letting go again. He was so scared of not getting to feel this burning ever again. Now he knew why it was so wonderful to be a human. Heaven wasn't up there. Heaven was on earth, heaven was a person, heaven was getting to kiss the most exhilarating and infuriating person ever to exist. Heaven was to have his arms around Dean Winchester's pounding body and have him kiss him back. He pressed as close as he could get. He could feel their thighs against each other. Cas wanted to surround himself with nothing but Dean. When this spell was over and Dean came to his senses, Cas was going to remember this and dream about it until he closed his eyes for the last time.

After a long time, but all too short in Cas' opinion, Dean broke them apart. He was panting hard. Cas growled. _No! Not yet!_ His insides were screaming. "Cas…" Dean whispered again. Cas wanted to cry. He shook his head quietly and filled with sadness. Here it comes. Personal boundaries. He had crossed a line. There was no turning back. "Don't leave me. Ever again." Dean whispered and brought his head to rest on Cas' shoulder again, holding so tight it felt like he was hanging on for dear life. Dean was shaking, and so Cas discovered, was he. He hugged Dean as close as he could. "I will always be by your side. _Dean._"

They didn't speak another word. Dean broke free after a little while and wiped his eyes hastily. Cas looked at him with questions in his eyes. Dean just shook his head and motioned for him to come back to the car. What was going to happen now? Cas didn't know. He didn't care. The only thing he cared about was the fact that Dean was holding his hand as he led him back up the path and into the car. He only cared about the fact that Dean didn't let go of his hand the entire trip back to Bobby's house. Dean just held on and looked in front of him at the road. His face was carved in stone. But he did not let go.

When they got back, Bobby and Sam was sitting in the living-room but the questions in their eyes were never answered. Dean didn't pay them a second of interest and he still did not let go of Cas' hand. It was as if he was determined to not let Cas disappear. He wanted to tell him that he had no desire to take flight, but he did not know how to say it.

Dean was hastily pulling him towards his room. Cas didn't know what to think or feel but he had never felt like this ever before, that was for certain. He was scared, excited, bewildered, exhilarated and on fire. Inside Dean's room, his hand was let go. But mere seconds after the door had closed; Dean brought his hands up to Cas' face and drew him in for another deep and soul cutting kiss. It had been incredible the first time, but this. This was entirely different. He didn't know there were so many ways for lips to meet and tongues to cross, but he had clearly been in the dark. This was nothing like the previous uncertainty. Dean knew what he wanted and Cas wasn't going to let him wait for it. He opened his mouth to get another taste of Dean's soft and all-encircling tongue. But there were so many things in the way. Too many things in the way.

Apparently Dean must have thought something of the same because he started struggling with their jackets. Cas helped as well as he could. It was difficult getting rid of clothes all the while hanging on to what he thought must be the warmest lips to exist. Cas' suit jacket disappeared along with Dean's shirt. But after their shoes were kicked off Dean pulled Cas over to the bed. He did not protest. His mind had taken its leave a long time ago and he was willing to follow Dean's every lead. He pulled them down on the bed. They tumbled and landed with Cas on top of Dean. That made Dean tense up a fraction and Cas didn't move for fear of him drawing away. But he pulled Cas even closer on top of him and slipped his hands around his back.

There was no keeping in the whimper of pleasure Cas felt. He let his hand unsteadily stroke Dean's tee-covered chest. How on earth could this be happening? Half a day ago he thought he was nothing more than a bother and a tool in a hunters life, and now the same hunter's hands were running along his back all the while letting his lips softly trail along his. It wasn't possible. And yet here they were. "Cas…" Hearing his name whispered so affectionately was sweeter than any honey. He slipped his tongue inside Dean's mouth again. Earning another sound from the other that sent shots in places Cas now wanted to hide.

But Dean spread his legs and wrapped them around Cas pulling him down. "Need to feel you against me. Need to feel this is real." Cas thought he was going to melt. He tremblingly let his thigh slip in-between Dean's and lowered himself down. He had no idea what he was doing, but it felt so good it was impossible to stop. The groan that escaped Dean when their erections grazed each other made his fists clench. Cas had never been this hard and this turned on in his life. It was such a new sensation to him that he didn't know what to do with himself. He was scared. Suddenly he felt like he was going to panic. He tensed, he wanted to escape, he couldn't handle this. But Dean held on and whispered soothingly to him. "It's okay, it's all right. Don't worry. I'm… It's too much for me too. But I don't want you to leave. I want you to be here with me. Like this. I just need to feel that you are here. Don't leave. Please."

This was the only person in the world that had any sort of hold on Cas. When Dean asked, Cas always answered. And he thanked the universe for that because the last thing in the world he wanted to do was leave this room. He let his head rest on Dean's chest, breathing hard. He didn't know what to say. Dean flipped them both around so they were lying on their sides, legs intertwined, foreheads resting against each other. "I don't know what the hell I am doing here, Cas. I mean, fuck… You're an angel for Christ sake. And I'm…" Dean's voice seemed so feeble and uncertain that Cas just wanted to kiss him to make him stop talking, but he sensed this was important. "Well I'm nothing. And I have no idea when this all happened, but… And _you_! You're infuriating and stubborn and you fucked up. You really fucked up. I have no business being with anyone and if I wasn't so goddamned selfish I would have stayed the hell away from you because I'm no good for you. But I can't. I've been drawn to you for so fucking long, and I've tried, god knows I've tried to deny it. But I did what I always do. Failed. And now I can't let you go even though I know I should. I've never felt anything like this… I don't know what to do."

"Dean... You are not making sense. It is me who has failed. I've failed you in everything. I've let you down and destroyed everything for you. I should not be allowed to be near you. And yet I can't stay away. I don't know what this feeling is. You overpower me. But I do not wish it to stop. From the very first time I saw you… You have a hold on me. I wish for nothing but to be around you. To be around you is the best feeling in the world. I will even take you insulting me over than not having you speak to me."

Cas hands had been clenching Dean's shirt so hard while he was speaking that he was about to tear it apart. Dean let his hands wrap around Cas' to calm him down. Then he drew him in and made their arms embrace each other's bodies as he let out a long sigh. "I guess we're both pretty fucked up, huh?" he said with a nervous laugh.

"Yes Dean. I suppose we are." Cas replied.

He pressed himself closer to Cas. The courses of bliss that sent through Cas was unbearable. His body still wanted more from this tantalizing person beside him, but his brain was saying no.

"Dean…" he whispered hoarsely.

"I know. I know. I'm so frustrated right now, because I seriously just want to…" He sank his head into Cas neck, took a breath and kissed his skin. It made Cas' breath hitch.

"But I can't. I don't know what is worse. For you to leave or for you stay. But I am begging you. Please stay with me tonight." His voice trembled. Cas had never in his life heard Dean this vulnerable. It was a side of Dean he did not know existed.

"I will stay forever." Dean pulled away, looked into Cas' sincere eyes and kissed him hard.

Arms still wrapped around each other Cas watched Dean sleep peacefully for the first time in a very long time. _I will stay with you forever, even if you should ask me to leave._ That was his only thought for the rest of the night.


End file.
